How to Overcome Self-Criticism as a Therapist Learning English

Self-compassion is key for therapists learning to communicate with English-speaking clients. Here’s how to practice it.

According to a veeery reputable source (ahem— a quick Google Search…), Confucius once said, Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. Whether he did say that or not, it definitely resonates. You see, I did my master’s degree in humanistic psychotherapy in Madrid, Spain. So, the first therapy sessions I ever led weren’t in English or in French, both of which I learned as a baby. They were in Spanish. Let’s just say that at first, it wasn’t exactly smooth sailing.

I’d sit there, listening to clients, processing their words, and trying to gather my own thoughts together in Spanish—while praying my accent wasn’t too thick or, worse, I’d use a word that didn’t exist. Every session, I’d walk away with a mix of relief that I’d made it through, but also quite a lot of self-judgment.

I’m far from alone, though. Many of the therapists I’ve worked with hold themselves to impossibly high standards when speaking English—expecting the same fluency and confidence they have in their native language. But this pressure often backfires, making communication more stressful and, ironically, less effective.

That’s why I wanted to chat with Carlota Martín Sanz, PhD, about how self-compassion can transform the way therapists approach English. Carlota is living proof that treating yourself with compassion doesn’t make you "soft" (as some people seem to think). On the contrary — she somehow manages to juggle being an EFT clinical psychologist, a professor, a researcher, the director of Karuna Psicología, and a Mindful Self-Compassion specialist. Oh, and did I mention she’s also a mum (to two wonderful little boys and two plastic-bag-eating cats  — long story), and one of the most grounded, humble, and generous therapists I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with?

She understands first-hand the challenges of learning English and the emotional burden of self-criticism. In this interview, she shares insights and practical exercises to help therapists navigate these struggles with kindness rather than judgment.

1. How would you define Mindful Self-Compassion?

At the end of the day, it’s a way we can treat ourselves. We all have an inner voice, a way of talking to ourselves—and it can go one of two ways. We can treat ourselves like a friend, someone who cares about us and wants the best for us, or like an enemy, constantly putting pressure on ourselves or tearing ourselves down.

The way we talk to ourselves starts young. It comes from how our parents treated us, how they treated themselves, the role models we had, and even the way our friends were treated. And a lot of the time, we end up with a harsh inner critic that makes us feel insecure, scared, or never good enough.

Self-compassion is the opposite of that. It means treating ourselves with kindness. But it’s not self-pity, feeling sorry for ourselves, or just settling for whatever comes our way. Real self-compassion is like real love—sometimes soft and comforting, like a hug, and sometimes firm, setting boundaries, pushing us forward, and reminding us we deserve better.

Mindful Self-Compassion is an amazing 8-week program (plus a retreat day) that helps people change the way they talk to themselves. The first step is noticing—because, let’s be honest, most of us don’t even realize how harsh we are to ourselves. Life moves fast, we just feel bad, and we don’t connect it to the things we’re telling ourselves in our heads. So the first step is to catch that inner voice—then we can start treating ourselves with more kindness.

2. What are some signs that a therapist lacks self-compassion?

The biggest sign is feeling bad—shame, guilt, insecurity. Blushing, feeling small, like you’re not good enough. I remember when I first started speaking English— I was mortified. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. But once I started being kinder to myself, I realized I could just have fun with it. I could laugh, and mess up, and it was fine. Deep down, I know my worth doesn’t change based on what people say to me, or what I say to myself.

3. Mental health professionals are increasingly becoming aware of the importance of self-compassion is important, and some even work on it with their clients. But applying it to themselves is another story. Why do you think that is?

It’s true that we know self-compassion is important, but as mental health professionals, we often develop a strange and paradoxical inner critic. We feel we need to be perfect, to do everything right, to be highly respected professionals. I think part of this comes from the fact that our field has struggled for recognition— There’s a lot of professional encroachment in our field, with people from other backgrounds stepping in without the proper training. We also don’t have centuries of scientific backing like some other disciplines, so we feel this pressure to prove ourselves.

And then there’s the tricky belief that "I have to be okay to help others be okay"—which just isn’t true.

Culturally, this is even more complicated. In Tibetan culture, for example, self-compassion comes more naturally than compassion for others. But in our culture, it’s the opposite—compassion for others is praised, while self-compassion is often looked down on. Just think about the world of high-powered CEOs—it’s all about pushing themselves to the limit, never being satisfied, waking up at 5 AM, taking cold showers, slapping themselves in the face in front of a mirror… but that’s not the way it has to be.

We’re taught to take care of others exceptionally well—but not so much to take care of ourselves. And this ties back to our Judeo-Christian cultural roots, where self-sacrifice is often seen as a virtue.

4. Many of the therapists I work with are highly competent—they've trained for years, have extensive professional experience, and yet, at first, they feel inadequate when providing therapy in English. How do you think this impacts their work?

That’s because they assume that the skills they already have as therapists should automatically transfer when working in English. But they forget that while they do have therapy skills, they'll struggle to find the right words until they internalize the language. Their brains will have to work twice as hard, which means they'll be less fluent compared to therapy in their native language. And that’s completely normal. At first, the most important thing is their attitude.

It’s also common that when skilled therapists—who have an excellent mastery of techniques — feel small, they stop being empathetic; instead of seeing the client as someone to help, they start seeing them as a threat. And this has a huge impact on their work, because, at that moment, they just fall apart. 

5. How does self-compassion help with self-demand and self-criticism?

There’s an element of therapy to it—first, you need to work on yourself, addressing that inner child who feels small, ridiculous, and judged, and show them love and compassion. It’s about treating yourself with kindness, reminding yourself that you already know how to provide therapy, that you're perfectly competent as a therapist, and that you’re simply learning to do so in another language.

Sharing your perspective and connecting with another human in another language adds an extra cognitive load—honestly, I said double earlier, but it might even be triple or quadruple. So, expecting yourself to reach perfection is unrealistic, and that’s okay. It’s completely normal not to get to that point.

6. Self-criticism can seem like a form of motivation, pushing us to improve. What’s the risk of relying on it when trying to master a new skill (like speaking English in therapy sessions)?

Self-criticism will never help us learn better. What it does is push us harder, making us study more, and pay more attention—but it also adds pressure. And the more pressure we feel, the less cognitive capacity we have.

So now, instead of just providing therapy, you’re doing so and speaking a language that’s not your own. At some point, something has to give—either your English fluency or your skills as a therapist. And that’s non-negotiable.

In this case, self-criticism isn’t motivating. Self-compassion, on the other hand, can motivate us the way a good friend would: "I love you, I’m here with you, let’s do this together, I’ll support you every step of the way." Like a good parent who walks alongside you and doesn’t make you feel less capable just because you make mistakes.

7. What would a more compassionate and mindful approach to learning a language—or even practising therapy in one—look like in practice?

Honestly, just like the way you teach. I can say this from my own experience—learning through love, through acceptance, through laughing at mistakes, through connecting with that inner child who just wants to play

I remember our classes, and the most fun part, by far, was the ability to play. I could make mistakes, laugh at them, say the wrong word and just go with it. Without a doubt, that’s the best way to approach a language—through play.

It’s like being a child again, like learning a game you enjoy but don’t yet master. Sometimes you mess up, sometimes you laugh, but you keep going. That childlike innocence is key.

8. Can you share a simple self-compassion exercise that therapists can use when they feel frustrated, embarrassed, or afraid?

Sure! Here’s one:

Take a slow, deep breath and place your hands on your heart or your abdomen. Simply feel your hands there, supporting you. You can even mentally say to yourself, "I’m here with you, I’ve got you."

But most importantly, feel the warmth and touch of your hands. We’re mammals, and mammals regulate through touch. Just feeling that we are holding ourselves already helps us calm our nervous system.

9. How can therapists integrate a little bit of self-compassion into their daily lives and their English practice, even if they have very little time?

By reconnecting with that inner child and playing. 

I believe one of the best things we can do in life is live playfully. From a place of vulnerability—accepting that we are vulnerable—and opening ourselves to life, knowing that, yes, things will hurt us sometimes. But we don’t have to be tough, we don’t have to pretend to be tough, or beat ourselves up.

Instead, we can just flow with it. Accept that vulnerability and move forward with kindness.

10. What would you say to a therapist who is afraid of speaking "imperfect" English in front of their patients?

That it’s actually the best example they could give to their clients.

They are showing them that it’s okay to be imperfect. They don’t punish themselves for not being perfect.

Because the person sitting across from them is probably doing exactly that—telling themselves that they aren’t enough, that they aren’t worthy, that they aren’t lovable.

And you, as their therapist, have the chance to model something different through your own imperfect English.

That’s the best example you could give them…

11. What resources can therapists access to learn more about mindful self-compassion?

For those of you who are based in Madrid, Spain, we’re hosting a retreat next Saturday, March 8, in El Pardo. Mindfulness and self-compassion retreats are a wonderful, hands-on way to learn these skills. There’s also the Mindful Self-Compassion program, which is amazing. We run two a year in Spanish —  one at UNINPSI around October and another at our centre around March-April. 

And of course—through reading.  Read Kristin Neff and Chris Germer’s books. They are great resources. There are also tons of free guided practices and resources on Neff’s website.

But most importantly? Connect with your inner child and give them a big bear hug.